blue breaths
by alaskan dream
Summary: sasusaku au. in which they both believe they aren't meant to be a part of the world.


word count: 5156

i hope you all enjoy!

* * *

"Have the medications helped?"

The doctor taps her glasses higher up the bridge of her sharp nose and stares at Sasuke with sharp, sharp eyes – so sharp, he thinks, he could melt under the pressure.

"Yeah," he lies – he hasn't told the truth in a while. "They're helping a lot."

She crosses a long leg over the other as she jots down more than he said and Sasuke, in the silence, imagines her as a queen spider, decorated lavishly in webs and servant spiders and anything else that can preoccupy his mind.

She looks at him briefly, flicks her eyes back down to the clipboard.

After several seconds of scribbling, her gaze finally lingers on him. For a second she sees right through him. Every lie he's ever told. He thinks she's going to triple the dosage and confine him to his room, away from all the other inpatients.

"Come to me if you have any problems, Sasuke," she says instead, sharp eyes suddenly sympathetic. "I know it's difficult in this environment and I want to help you in any way I can."

He doesn't say anything.

"You're free to go now," she dismisses him with a flick of her wrist.

"Okay."

The incense scent follows him out of the door and he holds his breath as he makes it back to his room. A female guard sets up a chair in front of his room and gives him a look when he almost closes the door – but he knows better.

"Taking a nap?"

"Yeah," he lies again; the second time that day if he's keeping count.

The guard pulls a magazine from her stash tucked underneath her chair and gives Sasuke one final look.

"Alright, then."

oOo

"Did you see the new girl wheeled in last night?"

Sasuke keeps his eyes on his breakfast but his ears circle the area – from the way the slightly overweight boy in front of him takes nasally breaths to the excitement in his female neighbor's voice.

"I heard her more than I saw her," a boy, diagonal from Sasuke, has clear annoyance in his voice. "I was just dozin', dreamin' of that new singer, when her bloody screams ransacked my entire mind."

The girl on Sasuke's right snorts; Ino, she's named, offers her eggs to Sasuke, but Sasuke declines with a brief shake of his head.

"She's a fighter then – that's probably why she ended up in here."

"It's actually not."

She has pink hair the same color as Sasuke's mother's favorite sweater and she sits on the left of Sasuke, who mistakenly glances up at her arrival.

She winks at him; Sasuke returns his gaze quickly back to his eggs that resemble rubber the more that time passes.

"Sorry for such a dramatic introduction last night," she bows, her hair stealing away parts of her face. "Hello, I'm Haruno Sakura and I don't like being alive."

The silence says it all. Sasuke doesn't judge her – he doesn't judge anyone. But she's definitely receiving looks from the others.

From the farthest corner a younger girl speaks up.

"I-I'm Hyuga Hinata. Um, welcome, Sakura-san."

Some of the guards look at Hinata as though she is the miracle of the century. Sasuke silently clears his throat, feels his empty stomach gurgle with the breakfast he didn't eat, and stands.

Eyes follow him. "Nee, Sasuke, where are you going?"

He doesn't respond. He makes a beeline to his white-walled room and two people follow him; a guard and Sakura.

"What?" He hisses. He doesn't mean to, but it comes out faster than he can stop it.

"You're the only one that didn't welcome me, you know." She stops in front of his room, peering into the emptiness where only a blue blanket adds color.

"Do you need to be welcomed?"

"It'd be appreciated."

The guard – this time a male – sets up his chair and glances between the two.

Sasuke says nothing. He shoots the guard a look – a look he's communicated so many times before – and the guard nods, turning to Sakura and quietly motioning her back to the others.

He sighs in the silence, and the silence sighs back.

oOo

It's sharing time. Or rather, a false sharing time. Created by one of the few who were unlucky enough to stay here more than a month and are still here, now, more curious about the newcomers than anything.

Sakura is the first and only one to share. Her hair is braided out of her face, out of the way of her white skin, so that her eyes shine in the dim lighting.

"I stepped in front of a car," she says so casually, so nonchalantly, one would think she was lying. Her voice is steady and she stares at the chipped painting on Ino's fingers.

"Why would you want to go by car?" Ino's disgust is evident. "That's the worst way to go."

Sasuke hates this.

His palms are sweaty and the idea of sleeping is all he can think of.

"It's painful, that's why," Sakura says almost seconds after. "The more painful, the better."

The same time Sasuke happens to look at her, Sakura looks at him; her eyes are a deep abyss of sadness, and he hates that they mirror his own.

She hides it skillfully with a laugh that echoes hollow after its third ring.

"Anyway," Ino wraps it up, "Who's up for some Scrabble?"

Three people raise their hands and Sasuke finds this a better time than any to make a dash to his bedroom.

"You can't run away every time, Sasuke."

He stops in his track. She's everywhere, he gathers. He hates that so much.

"Who says I'm running away?" He turns to her and she is no longer smiling. "If I don't want to be here, it's not running away."

"This is reality, you know," she takes a step closer, too close. His skin prickles at just the faint scent of her lavender shampoo, or body wash, or whatever it is.

He takes a step back. "I'm aware."

A couple of guards in the area raise an eyebrow and Sasuke wants to say to them, yeah, it's not me, it's this new girl you brought in here yesterday and she won't leave. me. alone. But he only continues to back up until he's hit a wall and she has him cornered.

"We're all in here for the same reason, some more severe than others. You can't ignore that."

He notices then that she's stopped trying, has turned her back and retreated to go play Scrabble with the others. His wrist itches for attention and he doesn't like the way some of the others glance at him.

Sasuke quickly makes it back to his room with the same guard from yesterday on his tail. They share looks and he's thankful this guard isn't much of a talker; he'd ask him all sorts of questions that even the doctor wouldn't dare to ask.

oOo

"Your voice doesn't come out well in the receiver."

Itachi's first time calling since he arrived three weeks ago. Sasuke twirls the cord with his index finger, listens so intently to his brother's voice that his ears might just fall off.

"Why haven't you called?" Someone taps into the call. Sasuke glances at the camera behind him and is tempted to give them the middle finger. "It's been three weeks."

Ruffling.

"Sorry, little brother," Itachi says, but he doesn't sound sorry at all. "It's taken some time to become used to you not awake before me. It's hard on us."

Sasuke wants to say, how do you think I'm fairing? Like a dandy?

"I love you more than anything, Sasuke."

"Yeah."

"I'm going to come visit in a couple of days. Shisui wants to come, too. Naruto as well. Do you need us to bring you anything?"

"No."

Silence. Sasuke listens and there's breathing on the other line; faint, but little squeezes of air that make it into the receiver. Itachi's at a loss of words now, he thinks. Which is odd, because he always has something to say, no matter the situation.

"Be good," he says finally. "Eat everything on your plate, Sasuke. Try not to give the staff trouble."

"Yeah," Sasuke squeezes away the stinging in his eye.

Itachi hangs up then, leaves him to the silence and the sound of a third caller listening to him think and think until the nasally boy taps him on the shoulder, asks him if he's done with the phone.

Sakura stares at him as he goes back to his room. He doesn't have the strength to glare at her.

oOo

She sits next to him one of the days they're given access to the outside.

"Why are you here?"

Does he even need to say why? He's here because he's unstable, not ready to cope with the real world. That's what the doctors at the nameless hospital branded him when they strapped him on a gurney and whisked him away. He's here because he's not suited for this life.

"You don't like to talk very often," she tries again, after silence is her only answer. "Ino says you are picky with who you talk to, what you talk about. I can see it in your eyes that you're desperate to talk to somebody. You just don't know who to trust."

He wants her to leave. So much. To go away and stop reading his mind.

"Why do you want to die so much?" He doesn't feel right asking this – not in a place like this.

She looks at him. Tries to look at him, really. He's looking straight ahead, refusing to make eye contact. She curls her hair back behind her ear.

"This life is very tiring. Why waste breath on a life you didn't want from the beginning?"

Her answer's too simple, he thinks. There's more to it. There's always more to it. But today isn't the day for story time and he feels his wrists sting as he tugs on both of his long sleeves, hoping she'll leave. And that she'll leave fast.

She doesn't, though. Just continues to stare at him.

"What do you want from me?"

Sasuke's voice quivers slightly – he's not used to this much conversation. Especially not with someone outside his family.

Sakura gathers her hands in her lap, fiddles with hers, then reaches to grab Sasuke's. He jumps, nervously, and a couple of guards shoot them looks that say _who gave you permission to make skin contact_.

"I want to know more about you," she says earnestly, green eyes sparkling with curiosity. "Like why you're in here or how long you've been in here or why you're so sad."

A guard is coming over there. Sasuke yanks his hands out of her hold and walks away fast, angry that the first person he's touched in two years (not including Itachi – Itachi never applies to anything) was her, of all people.

Ino welcomes him to a game of catch. Despite himself and the way Sakura looks at him, he joins in.

oOo

"Don't have much to say today, Sasuke?"

The doctor's pencil rests patiently on top of a paper and she's changed the color of her glasses. Sasuke is too tired to say anything, but if he wasn't, he'd compliment the color.

"You haven't been doing well since our last conversation," she glances at his chart, her voice lowering as if she's saying it to herself. "Your vital signs aren't what they should be. You've lost a few pounds. Do we need to keep extra eyes on you?"

"No."

It comes out too quickly. She raises an eyebrow at him, and when she could have the chance, she doesn't write anything.

Instead, she stares at him. She stares at him until she's found the answer to what she's been looking for. Sasuke's an easy soul to read.

"I think – " she makes sure he's looking her dead in the eye, " – what you need to do is open up to someone. Talk to them. I don't believe I'm the ideal candidate since I run the risk of knowing too much but there are people who can do more than I can, Sasuke, that can help your future."

He thinks he doesn't need to talk to anyone. Itachi is enough, _was_ enough until he said too much and wound up here. Now there is no one worth the weight of his words and his burdens to share. His thumbs press into each other as he breaks out into a cold sweat.

"Yes," the doctor finally takes her eyes off of him and nods, "I know it's hard. Believe me, I know. But this is what's best for _you_ , Sasuke. I'm not a therapist, just someone who prescribes medicine. And even your actual therapist probably couldn't help you the way another person could."

She's right, Sasuke knows. She's an adult and adults are always right. But he's had enough of today already and he supposes she senses it because she stares down at her clipboard and sighs.

"Get some rest and think it over, Sasuke. There's only so much I can do before it ultimately becomes your choice."

So he does that. He exits her office and sees Sakura standing a little ways before the door, thin lips pressed tightly and eyebrows furrowed. When he understands the look she gives him, anger bubbles in his blood.

"You were listening?"

"I didn't mean to," she pauses, then sighs. "Okay, I did. But it's because I just want to get to know you, Sasuke."

Something bitter rises in his throat, in his veins. He pushes beside her with enough strength that she nearly crashes into the wall but if she is bothered, she doesn't say. Nor does she stop him when he goes to his room and the guard shoots her a confused, but sympathetic, look.

oOo

He can't help but remember his parents. Their smiles are ingrained in his head, his mind, and even on his best days the moments they were still smiling, still _alive_ , haunt him.

Itachi is careful not to touch Sasuke and Sasuke is all too painfully aware. So he keeps his hands in his lap and tries to focus on what his older brother says but it is so hard because he has their mother's gentleness and father's personality and together, they split Sasuke into too many unrecoverable pieces.

"Nee, Sasuke," Naruto nudges Sasuke with his elbow, "Breathe a little, okay? You look like you've just been shipped into outer space without a helmet."

Shisui snorts, Itachi pauses, then laughs. Sasuke lets out a brief smile of acknowledgement so he's not the only one left out and returns to a stoic resting face. Today barely started and he's already worn thin.

"Itachi, how long until Sasuke can come home?" Shisui asks. "He's been in here for a while, hasn't he?"

"It's up to the doctors," Itachi responds, aware that he isn't making eye contact with Sasuke. "Until they're convinced he's better, they said."

"Isn't he doing better now, though?"

Naruto stares at Sasuke in a calculating manner before nodding in some sort of conclusion.

"He doesn't have dark circles anymore! And he has managed himself well since we last saw him. Isn't that proof that he's better than he was before?"

A thick silence settles over them until Itachi breaks it with a heavy sigh.

"I'm afraid there's more to it than appearance, Naruto. But thank you for paying close attention to my younger brother. It's good that he has friends like you."

Sasuke slides down into his plastic chair and when he is about to blink, there is a tingling feeling in the back of his head and he turns to see Sakura staring at him from across the room. Her green eyes are reflective of many things, but the overwhelming one is concern.

Who is she to be concerned over him? He thinks. She's worse than him in so many ways.

Itachi says more and Shisui and Naruto contribute until they've reached their visitation limit. Naruto crushes Sasuke in a hug and Shisui joins in and when it's Itachi's turn, Sasuke feels the tension in his arms and gently, gently, he hugs Itachi and lets him go. Sadness replaces the warmth of his brother but there is nothing much he can do.

Long after they leave, Sasuke sits in his plastic chair and stares at the marble floor. Sakura pulls a chair beside him and sits as well without saying a word. He doesn't say anything, but he is silently thankful of her supporting presence.

oOo

The sun blinds his eyes and some of the scars on his wrist have faded into thin, translucent, scratch-like marks and when Sakura laughs gently at something Ino says from across the outside area, Sasuke suddenly feels like air.

"They died when I was seven, and I was the one who killed them."

Abruptly, Sakura stops laughing. Her lips are parted just enough that a soft breath escapes and her green eyes are locked onto him. Today he keeps his hands exposed because the feeling of his sweater angers him.

"It was raining hard that day and I asked them to pick me up from school without a second thought." He pauses, sucks in breath, "I waited and waited for a long time, but they never came."

Sakura gently rests a hand on Sasuke's and the warmth of her palm is so overwhelming he feels parts of himself come to life again.

"It wasn't your fault," she says quietly, so quietly. Her voice cracks but there is a calming reassurance in it. "You were seven, you couldn't have possibly known something would happen."

"I know that, I know," he squeezes his eyes and Sakura's hand squeezes his. "But that day, everything became too different. They were alive one minute and gone the next. And Itachi, Itachi –"

"Who's that?"

"My brother, the one with long hair. He didn't say anything but I _knew_ he blamed me. It was a gradual descent until I was old enough to know he had stopped loving me. Since then, nothing has made sense."

She doesn't say anything. Instead when Sasuke braves a glance in her direction, she leans in and kisses him. It lasts so short that he's not sure whose lips were trembling but when she pulls apart first, he is silent.

"I'm sorry," Sakura giggles breathlessly, "I couldn't help it. Every day I see you and I'm always scared one day we'll all wake up and you won't be here. I'm not even sure why I like you as much as I do but maybe it's my natural born instinct to love something that has a hard time loving itself."

She plays with his fingers, lets the soft texture of her own compliment the roughness of his and compensate for all that he's missed out on. A part of him regrets telling her, telling anyone, but this part of him, the one that stares at Sakura while she stares at their fingers, doesn't. So he doesn't think much of it.

Ino asks later, much later, when it's almost time to go to sleep and he hasn't retreated to his room yet, "So are you and Sakura a thing now?"

He shrugs his shoulder and doesn't give her the chance to ask more. In the dark of his room, where the only light that merges in is from the open door leading into the hallway, he curls up into a ball and hopes he doesn't dream of his dead parents and his older brother.

oOo

"It's been nearly a week since I last saw you, Sasuke," the doctor chimes with amusement. "Your vitals are flourishing. Anything you'd like to tell me?"

"Not really."

"Hmm," she doesn't believe him. He wouldn't believe himself. She pans over his vitals again and mouths some things to herself and when she is done, she sits back in her spinning chair with one leg crossed over the other, and stares.

"Is it okay to assume you've taken my advice and have opened up to someone?"

"It's okay to assume anything."

She laughs. "Alright, then. I'll assume your heart feels much lighter than it has in recent weeks because you've found someone to trust in besides yourself. And it's a good thing, too. I was afraid I'd have to up your dosage today, which wouldn't have been beneficial to you at all."

He says nothing as she reaches for her clipboard and scribbles something. A few seconds later, she sets it back down and sits with her freshly manicured nails resting on her thighs.

"This still needs to be cleared with your therapist but perhaps you'll be able to go home soon."

That catches him off-guard, though he is trained well enough not to react. He nods his head and stands and when he is far enough from the office, there is a stammering in his chest that he isn't sure is from belated excitement or unconventional fear.

oOo

Sakura is too perceptive for him because before he can tell her, or anyone, she's already gotten a good idea of what the look on his face means.

"How long until they let you out?"

She isn't mad, and there isn't anything hinting to sad in the tone of her voice. But rather it is envy, maybe. Envy or disappointment. Regardless, it draws flat towards the third word and Sasuke wonders what the real reason for her being here is.

"They didn't say."

"Are you excited?"

"I'm not sure."

The common area is filled to the brim with noises and when no one is looking, Sakura slips her hand into Sasuke's and squeezes.

"Don't stress over it, Sasuke," she smiles. "On the outside there are people who love you. Your friend and your cousin, and maybe even your brother. I'm proud of you for getting better, even if it took a while."

Sasuke remains silent but faintly, faintly squeezes her hand back.

oOo

"Tell me."

It's the two of them again outside. There's too many clouds and not enough spots of sunlight so they bury themselves in their sweaters and block out the world around them.

"What?" She asks innocently, though they both know what Sasuke means.

"Why you're in here – why you smile like you don't worry about anything."

She plays with the unraveled string of her sweater absentmindedly as she stares at the others playing a card game. Her pink hair looks dull today, as does the usually vibrant green of her eyes. Sasuke's not sure if he should be concerned.

"My problems are nowhere near as bad as yours."

"But they're bad enough to land you here, so tell me."

Sakura's head slowly turns to look at him and for a second, she almost looks on the verge of screaming. But she smiles and shrugs and turns her attention back to the others.

"I was three when I realized the prospect of death fascinated me. I tried to jump in front of a moving train at eleven and almost killed my best friend when I was thirteen. It's nothing complicated, depressing, or anything. I just shouldn't be alive."

"Why?"

"You're talkative today, Sasuke."

"And you're also very nosy so continue on."

Sakura lets out a short chuckle and blinks. "It's not a _why_ thing – more like, am I really, really, _really_ supposed to be here? There's no excitement in this world. It's either life or death. Like when the car bumped me and barely did any damage, all I wondered was why it didn't kill me. Why am I still here?"

She cuts herself short with a shaky sigh and for the first time since she's been here, Sasuke sees a different side of her he hadn't before. He takes his eyes off her and resettles them on the growing overcast.

"Anyways, should we go join their game? It looks fun."

Sasuke doesn't get a chance to respond because she's already up and dragging him along, earning a few guards' looks and stares. He sits beside her but doesn't play and from then until the rest of the day, he is unable to tell her the day he leaves has been set.

oOo

"Is Naruto coming along?"

Sasuke leans against the wall and listens to his brother's unsteady breathing in the receiver. It takes a moment but then the familiar entrance of a third caller echoes subtly in the call and he sighs to himself.

"Yeah," Itachi responds. He is quiet for a moment and when Sasuke is about to say something else, he says suddenly, voice quieter, "Maybe it's best you live with your aunt, Sasuke."

" _What?_ "

"It wasn't an easy decision to come to, Sasuke. But she will be able to provide more for you and you'r –"

"That's bullcrap Itachi and you know it!" He screams, and more than enough people glance in his direction to make him feel conscious and _angry_. "I'm sorry I accidentally killed mom and dad but aren't you making it too obvious that you blame me for everything? That you hate me?"

"I don't hate you Sasuke!" Itachi screams back, his voice cracking in the receiver. "I could never hate you! You're my little broth –"

"Then why am I here, Itachi? Why am I in a mental hospital if you don't hate me? Why didn't you take me to mom and dad's funeral? Why did you stop hugging me? Why –"

A thin, delicate hand settles on the part of Sasuke's shoulder that isn't covered by clothing and almost immediately, the phone feels too heavy in his hand and so he lets go, watching it drop and dangle in a violent manner. Itachi's voice comes in faint and words are inaudible and for the first time since he's remembered he was alive, he breaks down. Arms wrap themselves around his back and he allows himself to succumb to her touch. His head drops onto her shoulder and Sasuke subconsciously waits for guards to break them apart but when they don't, he hugs Sakura back and doesn't let go for a long time.

oOo

Naruto's eccentric blond hair is the first thing he sees. The second is Sakura's hand as it slips into his. The third is Itachi's arms as they wrap around his neck and embrace him in a tight hug.

"I said it before and I'll say it again, Sasuke: I love you more than anything."

"You have an odd way of showing it."

"That's because I'm too preoccupied with giving you a better life," he says softly. "It wasn't you who killed our parents. The weather did. And if I had picked you up that day, they'd be here instead of me. I'm sorry I couldn't have done more for you Sasuke, but these past ten years, my thoughts have been filled with nothing but your sake."

The corners of his eyes sting. Sakura squeezes his hand tightly and from somewhere, he hears a husky, relieved chuckle from Naruto. With his free hand, he awkwardly hugs his brother back.

"I love you, Itachi," Sasuke buries his face into his brother's shoulder. "I really, really love you and I missed you."

"I missed you, too, foolish brother."

When they pull apart, Itachi wipes away stray tears from Sasuke's eyes and finally gives his attention to Sakura, who smiles calmly.

"I'm Haruno Sakura, Sasuke's girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you, Sakura," Itachi nods to her. Naruto sticks his head out from behind Itachi and grins.

"She's beautiful, Sasuke!"

"Thanks," Sakura says.

Itachi glances between the two before leaning in and saying, "We'll be outside." He retreats with Naruto and in the common area, the two stand in silence.

"You'll call me, right?"

Sakura's green eyes are very, very bright under the fluorescent lighting when she looks at Sasuke. He nods, says, "Of course I will," and wonders if he should say more but when she kisses him, he understands that was enough.

"Wait for me until I get out, okay?"

He nods.

She lets go of his hand then, and watches his figure fade from sight. When he's far enough, the doctor appears from beyond the glass door near the exit and with her sharp high heels and sharp gaze, she walks up to him and squeezes his shoulder.

"Can't say I'm ever wrong, right, Sasuke?"

"Yeah," he says – not because she's not wrong, but because he's gotten used to one-worded answers with her.

"I'll watch your girlfriend for ya, but with the way her progress is, she may follow close behind you. Anyways, good luck, Sasuke, and for your sake, please don't ever end up back here."

He nods briefly and she releases her hold on him. Handing him some of the things he wasn't allowed to take with him inside, he presses them against his chest and watches her wave goodbye.

The sunlight is warm on his skin. It isn't a cloudless day; they litter the sky overwhelmingly and he has no trouble gazing up without squinting. But there is sun and he feels it and even though he still has a long way to go, he relishes in the fresh air and walks to his waiting brother and friend.

oOo

owari


End file.
